So, it seems that I have returned to this strange, depressing state of doom and gloom. This specific thought has occurred to me many times, and creates an indescribable feeling of dread, of a rather depressing lack of will to even carry on with this fucked-up charade we call freedom.
What am I referring to, you ask? Only the disheartening fact that our society has developed in such a way that your life basically has a pre-determined start-and-finish, everyone’s checkpoints and ‘milestones’ marked out for them. If you grow up in a poverty-ridden shack without access to proper education, without a high school diploma, you are destined to complete menial tasks for someone richer than you, just to put food on the table, just to wait for death to claim you. If you grow up in a typical middle-class atmosphere, your life will fall into the same mold as ever one else. Grow up… get a job… buy a house… have kids… pay of some credit cards…die.
This terrifies me to no end. You don’t truly have freedom. As soon as I graduate high school, I don’t gain freedom, I lose it. I have always dreamed of a life where I can just get on an airplane, fly somewhere far away without worrying about anything else. That, I have realized is impossible. If I want to support myself I have to get a job. As soon as I get not only a job, but a job I enjoy, I’ll be stuck, tied down by work. A bit of a paradox, wouldn’t you say?
While the realization that I will never be truly free haunts me, what worries me even more is our society’s expectation of how your personal life should be run. You’re supposed to get married and make wonderful little babies. But what if you don’t want to? While everyone around me is saying “I do” or “I’m pregnant, baby!” am I just going to be standing alone, still shouting self-righteous slogans about how the institution of marriage is a scam, about how family values are more than dead?
Nothing on earth sounds more nightmarish to me than being trapped in suburbia, with kids and a husband and those awful-sounding adult responsibilities. I just want my freedom. I want to be able to get up and go, whether it be to a party or even on an airplane to Europe, without having to worry about kids or a husband. Is that too much to ask?
I have officially decided to step out of the mold of middle class life, to take the more interesting, if not more bumpy, ride. I refuse to be tied down by the boring life society suggests I have. If one day I do wake up to discover myself trapped in the life I so feared, I promise you, bottomless internet void, I will be slicing my wrists open with my designer kitchen knives (they were on sale, 50% off!) faster than you can say “mortgage loan”.
I see my parents going to work, fetching us from school, cooking supper, then settling in front of the TV, only to go to bed and do it all again the next day. It makes me want to grab them by their shoulders, shake some sense into the, pinch their arms, slap them until they wake up. How can they possibly be happy? How can anyone possibly be happy with that?
One day when my peers die, they may be surrounded by husbands, wives, children maybe even grandchildren. At their funeral everyone will have tearfully fond memories of Sunday barbecues, funny office antics, birthday parties, graduations and family vacations. They will forever live on, in that every time someone sees their child they will be remembered with something as simple as “you look just like your mom, she’d be so proud”.
When I die, the funeral will be simple. My brothers and sisters, perhaps a boyfriend if I get lucky enough to find someone to put up with me for that long, will go to the seaside. On a quiet, rocky beach, they’ll throw my ashes into the restless water, ad my remains will be gone forever. There will be no children for people to remember me by, no mini-me’s running around wreaking havoc. There will only be the memories that those whose lives I entered have. My ideas and my contributions will live on, and that’s enough for me. As long as I escape this gut-wrenchingly boring mold of modern life, I will be happy.