I sit at my desk, staring at mountains of impeccably neat study notes. My desk is scattered with pens, calculators, textbooks, exam timetables and to-do lists. I’m in the tenth grade, these are my mid year exams! My freaking third last year of highschool, exams which count 75% of the term mark! I tiny part of my brain is quietly suggesting that I freak out and start studying. Most of me shrugs with quiet indifference and wanders off to play Mario.
What is wrong with me? Am I broken? I know how important these tests are, yet I can’t find an inkling of motivation. Two weeks ago I was frantically summarising and planning study sessions in the library, yet now I honestly couldn’t give a flying monkey. Yesterday in the middle of a challenging AP maths exam, I stopped writing for a few minutes to doodle about fifty stars on the front of the question paper.
This is an oddly surreal feeling, and one that I’ve experienced before in different situations. Fighting with a close friend I am void of any anger. Broke my ankle, couldn’t care less. Freaking magnificently important exams, no stress!
Is this simply a sign that I am prepared and ready, or is it something deeper? Are these emotions, or lack thereof, a manifestation of me being unattached to my emotions? Are they a sign that I am a complete social failure who should be kept in a cage and studied by psychologists?
Maybe, maybe not, but now I shall force myself to dejectedly study a teeny bit more. Farewell, absolutely nobody. Farewell, bottomless internet void.