The Masks I wear

It can’t be helped. We all have our own ideas of what others are like, even if we’ve never spoken to them. Now, seeing that I don’t speak to any large amount of people, there are many who have inaccurate views on me.

I suppose that people’s ideas of me are somewhere between ‘nerd’ and ‘bitch’. Both are accurate, in a way.

There are very, very few people who know what go on in my head (and most of them have to go through psychiatric treatment after finding out). I think if I were to see myself, I would see an aloof, school-loving freak. That’s not what I am though.

I worry about being coming off as aloof, but the truth is that I am just too terrified of my peers to get closer. They’re prettier, smarter and more popular than I am. I feel as if they are constantly judging me, their eyes peering into my depths and finding me unworthy. My hair is wrong. I say the wrong things. I’m weird.  I don’t belong.

Every morning I look in the mirror and I tell myself  ‘once today is over, you’re one day closer to being finished’. High school is slowly but surely crushing my already fragile spirit. It is oppressive. It is suffocating. It is soulless and teenagers are quite possibly the most cruel of all people. Yes, this education is necessary, but it is also painful. I go to this hellhole every day of my life and every day it makes me want to break down and burst into tears.

When something goes wrong, I have to laugh at myself to make it okay for the others to laugh at me. At least if I start laughing first, it doesn’t hurt as much when the others start. Fall flat on my face? How hilarious! Do horrifically badly in a science test? Oh what a laugh.

Whoever said that high school is the best four years of your life is seriously deluded. For those lacking the correct social and stress handling capabilities, high school is a deadly, debilitating disease. The cure? Simple:

  1. Laugh at your failures to hold back the tears. Tears are for the weak.
  2. Sleep to escape your responsibilities. Going to bed at seven isn’t normal, but when suffering from high school it is.
  3. Ignore the fact that you can hear people laughing at you. Ignore the fact that no one wants to talk to you.

A question I must constantly ask myself: Do even those who are closest to me fall for the facade? Can they not see how my fake smile crumbles? How my laughter turns to tears when no one is watching? How this place is slowly killing me? Is my mask so flawless that they think it is real?  Perhaps they see it and choose to ignore it.

In English class, we are studying the movie The Truman Show. One of the characters remarks that “we accept the reality with which we are presented”. That’s a strong little dose of truth, but I’ve stopped accepting. Why should this awful life be the norm? Why should I lie in bed filled with fear and dread for the day that follows? My high school years should be enriching and fulfilling yet I want nothing more than for them to be over. Why should my youth be filled with such large doses of sadness and disgust?

1.5 Years and counting.